BARBADOS 1999 TOUR

What makes Firvale so special? Not many of the 27 touring members would be able to tell you but I'm sure that the majority of them have come back with stories of a truly special holiday! In the sun , away from dreary England, reality had been suspended. We were building our own new world in Holetown, Barbados: looking after each other, sharing money, food and beds, watching the sun set in The Bamboo Beach Bar with Ulrika-Ka-Ka.

We were lucky to be on a Cricket Tour in the perfect environment where everything felt much warmer, more colourful and larger than life. We spent the days under palm trees, swimming with tropical fish and turtles. We then danced all night, next to the beach and under the stars. That warm Caribbean climate was such a part of it.

This was a completely new experience. I remember thinking, we can't go out every night. We'll have to keep it to just a few special occasions. So what happened? Out every night. By the end of the holiday we were partying from morning till ... well, the following morning. It was such a genuine, wonderful feeling that we wanted it to go on and on and on.

Stiffed by Fat Jack - Rescued by Boycey's Motors

Having said all that, it wouldn't be a Firvale tour without the odd hic-up and the events leading up to the 1st game could have come straight from a John Sullivan sit-com script. When we arrived at the car park to collect our six hired motors, we were met by a representative from the government. "Yo man!" he said in a thick Bajan drawl. "I hope you've not planned to do anything important today because half of your vehicles aren't legal to drive."

"How can this be?" we asked puzzledly. "Surely a firm like Avis or Hertz cannot have passed on unroadworthy cars?" This was probably true. The problem being that we had a hire agreement with a geezer called 'Fat Jack'! We naturally saw the funny side, knowing Barbados was a law unto itself and that little was done through "official channels". With less than an hour to the start of the first game, Roy charmed the hotel's receptionist and a large single decker coach arrived to collect us in minutes. We arrived at the first game in our very own team coach which in true 'Only Fools and Horses' fashion was supplied by none other than 'Boycey's Motors'.

Is that a Warbler?

Everyone set out to make friends, not least Firvale's favorite twitcher, Malcolm Swift. As he strolled around the boundary rope of Flight A1H11 he flashed his umpires rule book at the Air hostesses, offering advice at how to signal a wide. "It'll come in handy", Swifty asserted, "For when you're making your pre-flight announcements to indicate the emergency exits".

Worse was to come as Swifty arrived the 1st afternoon at the hotel complex armed with his binoculars. "Now then lads", he ventured with the eagerness of a boy scout in a sweet shop.

"I've already seen a fine array of Black Birds!" It wasn't for the first time the P.C. rule book was thrown out of the window over the holiday! Swifty umpired every over of all six matches, thereby making an outstanding contribution to the tour. If only he'd have been able to keep his mind on the cricket when the bowling side were appealing. "Owwwsat?!....... "Is that a warbler?" came the predictable response as Swifty raised his digit to the sky searching for another feathered friend!

"I saw a bird of prey with a wing span this long" was another typical comment from Swifty whilst spreading his arms out wide. Regrettably, he'd likely be telling the opposition's bowler whilst he was looking for a wide at a crucial point in the game.

Owwwsat!!!

Ooohh Aaahh Mickey Parker was the first to receive Swifty's fickle finger of fate, given out LBW in the opening match against North Stars. But reprise was at hand as the home side's wicket keeper called Mickey back, confirming that he'd hit it. Swifty's response was defiant, declaring that he couldn't possibly have heard the edge because the sun was glaring in his eyes. "Surely the batsman is given the benefit of the doubt," we ventured, "If a conclusive decision cannot be made." "That's true," agreed Malcolm, "But Mickey looked guilty." Mickey later confirmed that it was anything but a look of guilt that he flashed at the Umpire at the time of the appeal. Irony soon laid itself thick as Swifty later fingered one of their batsmen ... no prizes for guessing who ... yes, that very same, honest wicket keeper!

We set an unwelcome trend for the holiday by losing against North Stars. Despite a dogged 39 by Pat Evans and a brave 20 by an injured George Hurst, North Stars knocked off our target total of 120 with more than six overs to spare.

Game Two against MTW featured two wickets apeice for Ooohh Aaahh, Raj and our team chemist Richard Wells. Richard spent much of the tour supplying a heady mix of druggy cocktails to keep Firvale's injured masses on the move. Not even Wellsey could inspire the winning formula, however, and we finished on 122 for 7 in reply to MTW's 231 in 35 overs. The match was notable for the emergence of Hollinsend's huge all rounder, Paul Smith. Paul strikes the fear of God into opposition batsmen when he launches his colossal frame into bowl. Paul is also a useful batsman and he registered a powerful 28 in a "little and large" show with Roy who knocked 40 in our fruitless chase.

The Pull

Despite two heavy defeats, Ooohh Aaahh was wearing a smile as wide as the Atlantic crossing. The reason was a bonny trolley dolly called Claire who he began to call, to some considerable ridicule, "Our Lass."

In this escapist paradise, the lads would say anything to impress the girls: I was a song writer, Pat was Yorkshire's opening bat and Ooohh Aaahh had recently served 6 months inside (strangely, this wasn't the line that worked with Claire).

Only Stuart found it hard to wind down and bored someone senseless on the first night by talking about Nat West and houses!

Like in cricket, we weren't always successful. Dibber was blown out impressively by Ian Botham's daughter. "How did you know it was Both's daughter?" I enquired. "Well it was the beer belly and her tash that gave it away," Dibber joked. "That and the fact she was smoking a huge joint at the time!"

There is no better illustration of the amazing spirit we had generated on tour than the night that some of the Lads went to a live music bar called The Ship. To set the scene, the venue was hosting the World Windsurfing Championships and the place was brimming with sex gods and goddesses. It also had its fair share of imposing Rastarfarians, one of whom who was taking a particular fancy to a beautiful lady from Norway. It just so happened that she was more interested in our own Pat Evans.

Dibber nobly acted as Evans' "wing man" and successfully chatted up her friend. Pat's lady was engrossed in his stories of how he opened the batting for Yorkshire and she repelled every advance made by the persistent Rastafarian.

The Rasta looked threatening, but Pat and Dibber were consulting another part of their anatomy other than their brains. You would have thought they'd have tried to leave with their girls at the earliest convenience. But no. Not one bit. They stayed until the end, the bitter end, when the music had stopped, the bar was shut and the washing up had been done! So with the unmistakable aroma of danger in the air, The Lads prepared themselves for action.

It is doubtful whether Prince Charles has ever had such protection as Pat and Dibber received that night! Squadron Leaders Ooohh Aaahh and Gazza positioned the Firvale foot soldiers squarely behind the big man Paul Smith as we lined the route to the exit for when they finally decided to leave. It was only when the two couples jumped safely into a taxi that we relaxed in the knowledge that our job had been done. We just prayed that it had been worth it and that "horizontal refreshments" would be served!

Celebrity Spotting

Team Firvale were doing rather better at mixing with the stars than winning anything on the pitch.

We were bowled over one evening as Victor Meldrew walked into the bar that we frequented for cocktails. We were even more amazed when some horses galloped up to us from the beach and we made out the silhouette of a beautiful women as she dismounted against the setting sun. "I don't belieeeeve it!!!" cried Richard Wilson beckoning the blonde to our bar. "Won't you join us for cocktails, dearest Ulrika-Ka-Ka?"

Then there was the night of all nights when myself and Darvid got the opportunity to meet one of those true stars you rarely get to see - Ron Dixon!!!!!

We were finding the best places to go thanks to our tour guidance from Heather and Tommo. Like Heather, Ulrika Johnson had also found seven hunky guys to sit with. We were getting very excited by Ulrika's presence, particularly Pat and Paul who eventually consumed record amounts of Rum Punches. The staff had obviously been briefed that a beautiful celebrity would be drinking there that night but they got confused when they presented an expensive looking bottle of Chardonnay to Heather. Mistaking Heather and Ulrika was easy to understand but I winder who they mistook for the miserable git with no hair!

Game Three

Things couldn't get much worse on the pitch but Roy upped our confidence by asserting that the next game against Windward was the one to win because they were fielding a number of ex-pats against us. Things were looking good as Heather, Darvid, Burts and I retired to the beach with the home side in trouble at 85 for 3.

We also had a major result in that we found that the beach was sponsored by a computer company for a corporate day out. Darvid and I blagged our way into the hospitality tent and returned with enough rum punch to knock out an army and enough lemon meringue pie to keep even Burts happy!

Once Darvid and I had posed for the official company photo and corporate video, we returned bladdered to the game. "No one," we commented "is going to believe how drunk we've got." We needn't have worried. At the half way point of our chasing innings, we found most of Firvale's front line batsmen in a similar shedded state. "What's happening?" We inquired gingerly. "We're all getting stuck into the beer," Nudge responded. "Because were reeling at 46 for six having been at one stage one for five!" ...... We didn't win.

Duck!

Long odds must have been given against the Club Pro, Dave Needham, registering 2 ducks and a 1 from the opening three matches. After a seriously bad first game, Nudge later reflected that staying out until 4 in the morning perhaps wasn't the ideal preparation to have. Roy was also furious. He had expected Nudge back at eleven and waited up for him to talk tactics!

Nudge's misery was confounded after Game Three when he woke the next morning with the trots. Mark was the highest scoring Nudger of the tour at this stage and couldn't resist commenting that they were Dave's first runs of the tour! Other comments followed. Nudge lost his cap overboard during a boat trip and mentioned that it had "gone for six". Mark again rose to the challenge by suggesting that it would be the only thing to do so all holiday. Nudge then hit his head on a low ceiling and we ventured that we thought he'd be used to "ducking" by now.

The Dream

Although we came out more in hope than expectation, the dream we clung on to was to win a game. By Day 11, we were 0 - 3 down in the series withn three to play but we were having such a fantastic tour socially that we were in touching distance of Utopia. Winning the next match against Kings Park would have sent us into a Utopic Wonderland!

At 92 - 0 chasing Kings Park's target of 127, the dream looked like turning into reality. The Boys set-up this gettable total by an inspired period of bowling and fielding. Everyone chipped in:Roy and Keeper Dibber concocted a family Hibbert run out; Ooohh Aaahh was on a Hat Trick in an impressive opening spell which ultimately yielded four wickets; Justin was in mean mood in his 1st match of the tour; Hursty took Wellsay's pain defying drugs and registered one for 24 in seven overs. It was a true team effort.

Then skipper Nudge and Roy majestically replied with an opening stand just short of 100. Charlie reminded us that there was still time for a collapse but such was the cohesion amongst the touring party that no one believed that disaster could strike. But it did and the catalogue of catastrophes were captured on George's X Certificate video.

Tour Speech